So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
