i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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