You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
