You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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