here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
