Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
