Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
