We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
