Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
