i already hear my dad disowning me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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