Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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