Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
