its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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