Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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