Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
