I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
