It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
