im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
