Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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