my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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