I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
