sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
