I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
