I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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