I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
