So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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