Kiss
Puke
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
