so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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