my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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