Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
