4 words: hood of his car
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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