when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
