God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
