my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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