Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
