to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
