oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
