You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
