i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
