Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
