I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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