if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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