I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I checked into jail on foursquare
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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