3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
