Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
