Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
