You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
