If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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