I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
