I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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