i already hear my dad disowning me
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
